Sui Generis

New Bloggy

2006-01-22T01:31:00.000+08:00

Well, to those who have passed through this blog before... my new blog is at Live Journal ... most of my posts are for LJ friends only (meaning you have to have an account to read) ^^ take care take care and God bless

Post lang ulit :P

2005-10-19T19:02:00.000+08:00

Nakita ko ito sa mga post ko dati :)... natutuwa pa rin ako.

Gagawa rin ako ng para sa Pinas... pero wag muna ngayon. Tuyo pa ang pluma. Hindi ko pa kayang gumawa ng akdang magbibigay hustisya sa damdamin ko para sa bansa at kulturang ito. :)

My blood yearns to return to the land from where it was born
To die among the greens of my ancestors
In the cold palaces of stones on the hills
And yes, it is cold in Ireland
My feet pull me to journey to my fathers' graves
But I'm afraid of visiting its ghosts
It's majestic kings who have haunted me in my dreams
The banshees that call out to me
I will sooner surrender to their screams

Peace, she beckons
I come... I must submit to your calls
Strings of fate pull me closer to the hills of my kin
From across oceans, she pulls me stronger
Her savage children come to bathe in her streams of wine
I am her child; my soul belongs in her pastures.
But through her cries for my return...
I'm afraid of this yearning
I'm afraid of returning to Ireland

For fate would have it that I shed my skin
I spill my blood, I surrender my heart
For the fertile grounds of my brethren
As it has been since time took its first breath
Our souls have lived only for the love of this land
Her daughters, her sons...
The life that runs through our veins has only one true resting place
Ireland is the home of my blood and the bearer of my heart
Until my eyes rest upon you, my death will never be sweet

Fear and love for the land that born to me my soul

laptop vs. desktop

2005-10-18T18:19:00.000+08:00

I can't communicate my thoughts on my desktop as well as on my laptop... which is probably why I tend to post in sentences when I'm on this hunk of metal. It's not as fluid... I can't translate my thoughts into words fast enought on this dang computer. Note to self: Never make papers on this thing... My one and only paper (for 150) made on this desktop is also my one and only paper which was graded 9/10... Mas prone din ako sa typos and grammar errors. Hay... kung pwede ko lang iconnect ang laptop ko sa DSL dun na lang e. -_-

Grrr... I wanted to change the template of this blog... OO NGA PALA... hindi nas-save ang "Friends" list! AAAA! Pasend na lang ng blog URL n'yo... pasensya na. I tried to recall as many as I could.

Going Out of My Head...

2005-10-17T17:55:00.000+08:00

Sergio Mendes and Brasil 66

Well, I think I'm goin' out of my head
Yes, I think I'm goin' out of my head
Over you, Over you
I want you to want me, I need you so badly
I can't think of anything but you

And I think I'm goin' out of my head
Yes, I think I'm goin' out of my head
Over you, Over you

I see you each morning
But you just walk past me You don't even know that I exist

Goin' out of my head over you
Out of my head over you Out of my head day and night
Night and day and night, Wrong or right

I must think of a way Into your heart
There's no reason why My being shy Should keep us apart
And I think I'm goin' out of my head
Yes, I think I'm goin' out of my head

Goin' out of my head over you
Out of my head over you Out of my head day and night
Night and day and night, Wrong or right
Night and day and night
Wrong or right, day or night
everyday, every, every day

I'm still in Brazilian jazz mode... Sergio Mendes is contagious. This song is kinda representative of how I feel right now... I'm getting to know him a little better... and I LIKE what I see ;) High ako... promise... I'm so high. And I'm really not quite sure if I want to be. :)

Random musings at 3 in the morning.

2005-10-17T02:26:00.000+08:00

These are just random sentences picked from the top of my head... Free association? :P

Neeks are most definitely my type... diba, Marize?

I have several scratches from the culminating activity... didn't notice until today :P

I must have collected at least a cup full of mud in the drain of our shower after taking a loooonnngggg bath last last night.

I was in no mood to debate with Edison, sorry... maybe some other time. Better if in person.

I cannot tell anyone else who mcgyv is... 4 people already know.

Athena is my Hany :)

I am sooo intrigued by something I read on Glenn's bloggy

the titan arum is prettyyyy... :P ano kaya kung yun ang valentine flower na ibigay sa akin? (flower lang... mahirap masyado pag bouqet na :P) hahahaha! :P Stinks to high heaven, but pretty :D

My multiply site seems to say that I'm waaay too vain. ...am I? hahaha :P

When I think of mcgyv now... I lose focus on the other guy... ano ba ito? di ba almost-crush lang? I don't even know him that well. Maybe it's because his memory is more... recent.

I must have given myself some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy of unrequited love... sad. I already predict mcgyv and other guy to be unrequited.

Careless Whisper is playing in my head... I gotta learn that song. Sino may b flat arrangement? :P

Brazilian jazz is also circling in my head... mais que nada, the joker, one note samba, going out of my head, agua de beber... and other Sergio Mendes and Brasil 66 songs.

I'm starting to yawn and I haven't changed into comfortable clothes yet... sige na nga.

I repeat... no one else can know about mcgyv... please lang.

NOT fair... ;_;

2005-10-13T20:56:00.000+08:00

why does he have to be so nice?... yun lang.

2005-10-11T22:03:00.000+08:00

I don't usually wear t-shirts while swimming... but I do have a good excuse... the world isn't ready for my cleavage, yet. ...but apparantly they're ready for Karen's. HAHAHA! :P Peace!

2005-10-11T21:23:00.000+08:00

proud of our 150 CD ;)

episode: girl talk

2005-10-11T18:38:00.000+08:00

Last sunday was horrible. This was the first time my hyper ventilating almost went all the way... I could feel my chest numbing and my fingers were straightening... all my appendages were numb... good thing nag subside. Ngayon lang yan... dati numbing sa fingers and feet lang. What brought this on? Oh yes... my infamous dysmenorrhea. As my mother puts it, it's like trying to exorcise me almost every single month. Kaya ako nagpuyat for 150... I only got to study mga 5 pm na. Ang saya saya ng buhay. I wonder if people know how it feels to be painless?

Hmm... I don't know why some guys get uncomfortable talking about girl stuff... I've got a friend who actually loves it when we girls talk about these things. Kasi natututo raw s'ya. Sa totoo lang naman, it wouldn't hurt for guys to know about menstruation, dysmenorrhea, endometriosis, pap smears, OB-Gyn, PMS, etc. Bakit nga naman hindi? Don't you want to deal with the issues of (approx) half the world's population? Likewise... I'd certainly want to know about "guy stuff". :P

Marize! I love the quiz!!!

Your experience with the fab 5 by unseenx
Your Username
The fab 5 guy that you turn straight	Jai
He thought your sex was	Fantastic
You and Jai	Steal Carson's underwear
Carson thinks you are	diseased
Overall	kill the fab 5

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Dips

2005-10-02T09:08:00.000+08:00

I'm looking forward to a week with NO, as in NO, sleep... except maybe for when I study for 110... then I'd need some sleep.

Monday Oct 3:
PP19 submission and presentation of projects
Psych150 Update
Line Dance written exam
Study for 110

Tuesday Oct 4:
Psych110 exam: Non Parametric tests + Correlations
Rough layout and final song selection for 150

Wednesday Oct5:
Psych150 paper: S-R bonds
Computer layout and final compilation for 15o

Thursday Oct6:
Printing and setting for 150

Friday Oct7:
Psych150 CD is due

Monday Oct10:
Psych150 final exam
110 Make-up

Haay... I had a dip episode nga pala yesterday while driving... I hope that NEVER happens again.

the good, the bad, and the uggleeeh

2005-09-27T22:30:00.000+08:00

I just remembered something Rex said to me... (Rex, Sir Eng'g, not Rex Psychsoc ;)) is that he can't seem to understand why good girls fall for the bad boys. He's a perfectly nice guy and... well, I'll leave it at that. (Hindi ko na lang s'ya ilalaglag masaydo.) And I was thinking about what he had said... well... I was thinking that maybe you nice guys aren't going for those nice girls who can truly appreciate nice guys? Is it possible, my dear Rex, that you guys are guilty of the same crime you're accusing us nice girls of?

(Note: CONGRATS nga pala kay Rex! 8th sa Eng'g exam thingamajig ;) Whoo!)

But then again... I looked at myself and wondered... am I guilty of choosing the bad boy against choosing the good boy?

Remember that question I posed about a week or so ago? One passionate kiss of which the memory will last you an entire lifetime versus soft loving pecks you're entire life? I guess it's related. Would I want one epic romance that will leave me old and lonely or a down-to-earth relationship... it gives me the same conflict. I'm not saying that it's the bad boys who thrill you then leave you and it's the good boys who will stick around but (maybe) bore you... I'm not assuming that... it's just the same type of conflict in the minds of many women.

You know what I want? What I really really want... I want a good boy who isn't afraid to take risks. That's what I want. I want a guy who can party but who will be responsible... I want someone mature but can still be capable of playing around (not in the "player" sort of way) and I want someone who will allow me to roll on my own but also someone I can depend and lean on. I want someone I can learn from and someone who can learn from me... most of all I want a man who can show me respect and a man I can respect.

Yes, I want a good boy... no, let me change that... I want a good man.

But why does it seem like I'm asking for too much?

...

I've been thinking about the interviews and the results of the delibs. I still can't piece my brain together... especially regarding the results. I feel like I should have been booted instead of Chad or Abby... oh well. Give me a couple more days, maybe my disbelief will evaporate.

...

I just wanted to post this... heeheehee... naaaliw ako e. Excerpt from one of my papers ;)

A Dream?

I am an exotic mestiza beauty gliding the streets of Paris, moving from café to bar on the whim of my will. Men grow weak in their knees at the sight of me, eyes follow every curve of my body, women… oh, they envy me, and I simply don’t care. I am the girl from Ipanema, Audrey Hepburn, and Mae West all rolled into one. Sipping my latte in the cool breeze of the September wind and looking from beneath my Gucci sunglasses, ho hum, just another day in the life of a bachelorette. Today, Paris, tomorrow, Andalucia, and the next, London… wherever my heart may take me, unbridled, I go. I fall in love when I choose to and fall out of love just as fast. I take and never give, I want and never need. And if I so wished to bed a lover, I welcome men into my loving arms and I leave them at the height of their ecstasy, making them beg, beg, beg for more. Sometimes I will succumb to their pathetic begging, not for pity but only for my own selfish desires, but most of the time I become a glorious memory in their minds, the single paradigm in their imaginations; their Venus. Ah, I was never ever meant to be held down.

Toodles

2005-09-24T10:51:00.000+08:00

Hahaha! I'm so worried about the delibs today... pero I'm also going out on a date with someone very special... heeheehee ... MOI! Kaya dapat perky perky perky! Haay... feel ko lahat ng BOPS (aside from "those who made the interview boring") delikado, from all the stories we've been sharing. O s'ya s'ya no use worrying... kasi la na naman kaming magagawa, diba? Hehehe :) naprapraning lang :P hehehe. BOPS, take care God bless ;) good luck

The Bummed Barnum Sucker

2005-09-23T19:51:00.000+08:00

No use in worrying about the results of *ehem* the only thing I'm worrying about, really, is disappointing some of my friends. Yun lang.

my tentative sched... sana friends kami ni CRS :)

MTh

7:00-8:30 Envi Sci 1
8:30-1:00 Psych 115
2:30-4:00 Psych 148

TF

7:00-8:00 PE 2
8:30-10:00 Math 2
1:00-5:30 Bio 11

Mcgyv... o ayan, 5 letters. Yung sinensor ko, uncensored na :P hehehe.
He's too good to simply take for granted... he shouldn't be just a crush, he should be someone you admire and respect beyond infatuation and fatuous love. But I saw him recently and I didn't lose composure... hindi ko s'ya crush! yehey!

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a creative hotbed of artistic talent.
You're always making pictures in your mind, especially when you're bored.
You are easily inspired to think colorful, interesting thoughts.
And although it may be hard to express these thoughts, it won't always be.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Your Daddy Is Johnny Depp

What You Call Him: Pa

Why You Love Him: You don't love him, you just love calling him "daddy"

Who's Your Daddy?

JOHNNY DEPP MADE MY NIGHT!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

buntong-hininga...

From my long lost Nicx

2005-09-22T17:23:00.000+08:00

I miss you Nico!!! :) I picked this up from his bloggy. Sige nga, let's try it.

1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song or movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

DJ, only YOU can make my night

2005-09-21T19:55:00.000+08:00

Smooth Escape
D'Sound

Get it on, it’s friday night
Put that funky dress on
Lay the working week aside
Put that funky dress on

DJ, you can make my night
‘cause you know my weak spot
Close your eyes, you’ll feel alright
DJ, you can make my night

We will stay out ‘til late
-it is a smooth escape
We will think life is great
within the smooth escape
We will talk with our friends
We will flirt and romance
And who cares if it’s fake
-it’s just a smooth escape

I just want to move my hips
Get in on a funky trip
DJ, you dictate the groove
and I’ve got to follow it

I want to go out... I want to lose myself... i want to be someone else for a night... because I want to forget I ever had a heart. I want to drink and be merry and lose all my cares to the beat of a funky song (sadly, walang nagyayaya at acads mode ako ngayon). All this heart of mine does is get me into trouble, keep me proccupied, keep me from studying, get me fat, get me sick... and there is no reward for all the problems it gives me! THERE IS NO NO NO NO REWARD! I'm not an unhappy person, I'm not depressed... but I am tired of this cyclical phenomenon. I maintain my hiatus and I WILL forget about my newfound infatuation!

So there.

Bow. :)

popsicle toes.... fingers... nose... -_-

2005-09-21T16:59:00.000+08:00

You can run from love
And if it's really love it will find you
Catch you by the heel
But you can't be numb for love
The only pain is to feel nothing at all...

--U2, A Man and a Woman

Natamaan kami ni Faofao... haaay... lalo ata ako. Kasi... kahit na dapat on hiatus ako... pabalik-balik ang image ng mukha n'ya sa utak ko. And I'm NOT ready to have another crushie... not yet. Buti na lang di ko s'ya nakikita... sana mawala ito.
I'm just avoiding U.Love... that's all. I'm so sick and tired of it. The guys I fall for, fall for TINY people... bakit kaya? And I mean T-I-N-Y... height and frame wise. Nakakainis e... kasi kahit anong diet gawin ko, hindi naman ako tiny. Diba Krystel?

AKO AY NANGANGATOG! ... ang lamig sa internet cafe....... bakit kasi tinopak nanaman ang DSL namin????

I can't think... nanginginig fingers ko... kasi naman ang init sa labas... naka mini skirt ako at off-shoulder... how was I supposed to know na invierno dito?

I want to type more... pero.... ............................... Popsicle na ako.

Pics!

2005-09-18T02:36:00.000+08:00

NikkaHao's Birthday BASH! :)

Katip's BnG with the band

Art and ME :)

Thanks Glenn!!! Sa kanya galing yung pics :)

On Hiatus!

2005-09-17T23:12:00.000+08:00

Yes... but before I go into that...

Nagmeet na rin kami ni Carlis after ten years... -_- I gave him a piece of my mind. Hehehehe pero love ko pa rin s'ya ;) He's still my buddy, what can I do? It helps na saksakan s'ya ng corny... how do you stay mad at someone like that?! Carlis is charming in a very obvious way :D Hahahaha!

Well, enough of that. Update? I want to go on a love hiatus! Kasi tinanong ako kung may crush ba raw ako kay *****... sabi ko wala... then tinanong ako kung bakit wala kasi OK naman raw si *****... and he's sweet... and I really think he's my type din... kaso kung magkacrush ako kay ***** mauulit lang ang cycle ng u.love na kinasanayan ko at sawa na ako sa ganun. Call me selfish pero I'm feeling very Bob Marley na... "I don't wanna wait in vain for your love..." hehehe. Too bad 'cause ***** (yes, the censorship must be driving you nuts by now ;D) is the nicest person, I promise... he's responsible, considerate, fun, and comforting and maybe if I weren't closed for business, so to speak, I'd probably be seriously crushing on him right now :D. Oh well.

'Wag n'yo na hulaan kung sino... kasi ayokong sabihing "no" kahit "yes" talaga. Hahaha! or Yes na lang sagot ko sa lahat ng ihula n'yo?

Sigh, Interviews naman...

Please, my dear beloved co-BOPS, don't think you're alone if you cried sa interviews or nawalan ng hininga or nag almost hyper-ventilate (0.o sino kaya yun?)... maybe with the exception of Mary, Aye, and Kit (OC!!! hahaha! Congrats ;>) lahat tayo nag blank-out, umiyak, or nagpanic, etc... If marami kayong "I'm sorry..." (lalo ata akong marami! hahaha!) kahit na alam n'yo pala ang answer (na nawala lang talaga sa utak... pfft) ganun rin ako at yung iba pang tinanong ko after ng interviews nila! So if lahat tayo mags-special app, then let's all go together! Diba? If anybody deserved to be a special app... ako yun, I know I didn't do so great... :-/ but I'd do it all over again because, well, IDAFPS and especially because of you guys ;) so don't be disheartened.

OK!

2005-09-11T13:25:00.000+08:00

Ayan... post na ulit ako.

Not quite straight from NikkaHao's birthday bash... but good enough ;)

Medyo short statements lang for now kasi... I'm gonna study for my interview (shiver...)

OK Nikka's birthday was uber fun :) Hope the celebrant had as much fun as we did... kahit nilaglag s'ya ni Art :P ...I was SERIOUSLY not expecting that... pero it's aaaalll good naman ;) sport si Justin at lalong astig si mommy and daddy Hao. ;) Now we know kung bakit ganyan si Nikka!!! hehehehe ;)

Some higlights:
I got to know the VOPS (present at the party) better, astig ;)
Iniwan ako ni AJ kaya magisa akong BOPS dun. Pfft. hehehehe :) Di ko tuloy alam kung sasama ako sa ibang pics o hindi... hahaha! nakikiepal.
Pasensya na sa ibang hindi pa ako nakikitang uminom... wehehehehe ;) todo loosened up ako after 2-3 bottles e. Sakaling hindi sanay. Sa tingin n'yo mapapasayaw ako ng ganun kung sober pa ako??
I stuck by my 3-bottle rule, I'm so proud ;) Uber sober na ako by the time I had to drive. Hahahaha!
Nakyukyutan ako kay Glenn! hahaha! Ang cute n'ya sumayaw!!! (sorry :P masyado akong natutuwa) Pero promise!!! The image is still pretty vivid in my mind. ;) (yihee! hahaha, baliw.)
Alex, kamusta naman ang econ11 exam?

PS: The upcoming interviews is scaring me shitless.

Heartstrings

2005-09-09T16:39:00.000+08:00

This is my song today... yeah, I'm not giving up either... :)

U2
Miracle Drug

I want to trip inside your head
Spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see

I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out

Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby's head

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug

Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...

I am you and you are mine
Love makes nonsense of space
And time...will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, love...

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, a miracle drug, a miracle drug

God I need your help tonight

Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear a voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, miracle drug

Miracle, miracle drug

2005-09-06T22:09:00.000+08:00

Mah brother :D I miss him talaga

2005-09-06T22:04:00.000+08:00

that's sid meier, THE father of computer gaming. Woot :D

It's ALL goooodd....

2005-09-06T21:14:00.000+08:00

I'm fine :)

That's my answer... sakaling ikamusta ako ngayon. I'm in a good place right now.

It's like everything that happened is just some distant memory... and it feels good.

19 na ako in a few days... (pero 20 na si miguel... heeheehee... kausap ko sa YM e.) Siguro mabuti na rin na weekend ang birthday ko. Isn't it weird? Hindi na ako teen next year. 20. in my last year as a teen gusto ko sanang magset ng goals. hehehe :D para sulit. I want to face my twenties with a good outlook.

goals:

this year I'm going to fit into a bikini and flaunt it on the beach (yeba!)
Frequent Punta Fuego :P
I'm going to find myself a summer/rainy-day/everyday fling (hahahahaha!)
learn a new sport
go scuba diving
sky diving din
go out a WHOLE lot more. :D
maybe even visit that place, Bed? I keep getting emails e... why not?
Oooh! Visit a strip club with friends!
earn lotsa money and splurge it all in one day
ride the motorbike with more confidence :P
I'm going to finish my third year as a US (good luckkk! 118? Bio12? bring it on, bitch! :P)
learn to dance like a professional (latin, ballroom, or strip, bahala na :P hahaha!)
visit my brother (i love you kuya! miss ya!)
go on a road trip with a buddy ... bulacan, batangas, bahala na :D basta masaya :D ... this is definitely one of my goals! chibogging on the road and crashing in hostels ... or camping. saya!
write poems again
maybe even paint more frequently

you know, like sir said, it really doesn't matter too much if you reach your goals... just enjoy the pursuit. =)

I'm looking forward to my last year as a teen ;) I'm out of ideas right now... pero dadagdagan ko pa 'yan ;)... I also encourage suggestions ;P

Last note... kamusta na kaya si Carlis? I called his house today, wala s'ya... and they don't know kung uuwi s'ya sa kanila. Haay, buddy, what's up with you? :-\ :(

Sunday morning... procrastinating :D

2005-09-04T09:17:00.000+08:00

Leather
Tori Amos

look i'm standing naked before you
don't you want more than my sex
i can scream as loud as your last one
but i can't claim innocence

oh god could it be the weather
oh god why am i here
if love isn't forever
and its not the weather
hand me my leather

i could just pretend that you love me
the night would lose all sense of fear
but why do i need you to love me
when you can't hold what i hold dear

oh god could it be the weather
oh god why am i here
if love isn't forever
and its not the weather
hand me my leather

i almost ran over an angel
he had a nice big fat cigar
"In a sense" he said "you're alone here
so if you jump you best jump far"

oh god could it be the weather
oh god why am i here
if love isn't forever
and its not the weather
oh god could it be the weather
oh god its all very clear
if love isn't forever
and its not the weather
hand me my leather

Masyado akong natuwa sa lyrics na 'to. hehehehehe, ang cute e!!!

Nightmares

2005-09-03T01:02:00.000+08:00

The last time I slept here in p'que I had a nightmare... the kind that you want to force yourself to wake up from... i dreamt that the man of my heart and dreams proposed to the girl I hated the most (past tense... i know. I'm too nice.) and they both apologized to me... My heart was bleeding, the pain was so intense.... you see this girl, i used to love her, too... for all the reasons she gave me, she turned that love into hate... and imagine those emotions paired with my current pain of losing my ideal man to her... Thank God I woke up. I was sweating and heaving.... i guess it was more like a night terror.

Please Lord, grant me good dreams tonight. I can't take another one like that.

Oh... and Lord, may your eternal light shine upon Sarah's father and look over the family he has left behind. Amen.

2005-09-03T00:05:00.000+08:00

Kamay ko yung na sa lower right side :)

2005-09-02T23:58:00.000+08:00

Back row (Sarah, Matt, Dee, Me, Miguel) and sir

2005-09-02T23:55:00.000+08:00

sand dunes pa rin! :D

2005-09-02T23:47:00.000+08:00

I love this pic... hehehe Dee and me in the Ilocos Sand Dunes

Diet, I heard, is to die... with a t.

2005-09-02T20:58:00.000+08:00

it's time to diet. This time I'm determined to lose another 15 lbs... kaya ko 'to!

It's for me, I need to preoccupy myself with something, so I'm going to diet.... that and I HAVE got to realize my dream of openly wearing a bikini. hehehehehehe :P

I was talking to Andre.J kanina... something he said last time made my latest *ahem* more tolerable... he said... "they're blind". That's perhaps the sweetest most helpful thing I've heard lately. :) Thanks Dre :D. I promise I'll take you out on a date when I come visit... when my brother decides to fly me there. hehehehe :P And don't mind dem *ssholes... we take the high road. ;-) That's what makes us great, my friend. ...Of course... I wish I were there para tarayan ko na lang :P (yeap, high road down to the gutter) Miss ko na magtaray. hehehehehe... haven't been uber mataray since high school :P

Na-sad si Alex when she saw me write down, "I have to stop falling in love"... well... maybe I'm on vacation... i dunno when I'll be back... maybe next month, maybe never... who knows. Basta, ayoko na kasi e. Hehehe. I GIVE UP. I have to stop taking myself so damn seriously. I remember a line from a U2 song (one of my favorites) "I could never take a chance of losing love to find romance in this mysterious distance between a man and a woman"... well I do want to take a chance... I'm too young not to, I'd be wasting my life if I didn't take risks . I'm young, I'm supposed to be stupid and carefree, diba? And besides... I'm not looking to get married naman e... so why be so serious??? ...yun nga lang... can I really do all of this? I mean, without losing sight of who I am?

TAMA NA 'YAN INUMAN NAAAAAA.... hehehehe....

Psychobabble. Living in the alternate universe seemed so much better.

2005-09-01T21:06:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling very vulnerable right now... I realized something today...

he was never ever mine and he's never ever going to be mine. And the worse thing is... I don't believe anyone is ever going to be meant for me.

And I'm sinking further into momentary depression... like an allergy that strikes sporadically... maybe it's just PMS, I don't know... it happens too often. It's a mask, really... during these times... when I dive into the social world... I put on this happy face... and for a while I actually believe it. For a while... maybe... I'm actually happy.

No... how can I possibly think it's all just a show? Even now, during this whole psychofiasco... How can I take the moments I have with my friends as something less than genuine?

I want to meet someone who will make me forget all about it... i just want to meet someone who will take my mind off of these thunderstorms in my head. I need a break... it's too much... too much... I can't take it.... not now... not anymore. I'm tired.

A Question ^_^

2005-09-01T19:20:00.000+08:00

I have a question for all of you...

would you prefer...

A) One long, passionate, fluid exchanging (graphic ba? :P), extremely hot kiss... of which the memory will probably last you an entire lifetime...

or

B) Small sweet, loving pecks you're assured of recieving every single day of your life?

updates from the sorry (but pretty) sap.

2005-08-29T21:48:00.000+08:00

I recieved some very disturbing news from Alex the other day... Oh well... ces't la vie

Ang saya ng medmish! Exercise hiking. wahahaha!

I miss Carlis. Sa totoo lang, I'm kinda worried. Medyo matagal s'yang MIA and he said something's a bit amiss... so... I guess I'll hear about it tomorrow. Sana hindi masyadong serious... :(

I am too strong aren't I? I mean... I remember sir Eric's (SATC) metaphor about coffee... I guess I'm a black... strong ang pragmatic. Some of my predispositions... well... many can't seem to handle it or wouldn't ever imagine themselves doing what I've done (can do). But I'm guilty of wanting milk in my coffee every so often... sometimes I want to believe things are fine and dandy even if I know they're not. (like what's happening now... actually I think I'm a straight black, now, and the other person is the one who's taking the situation with a LOT of milk... but I guess it's all good because I don't want to compromise friendship. I have a special kind of love for my friends, a love that is very different from romantic love. And I've found that I do love *bleep* as a friend, too. Honestly speaking.)

Salbahe si Miguel :P hehehe... nakita ko pic n'ya sa church... :P Speaking of which, I saw him sa YM :P di s'ya nag-hi ... hmmph :P hehehehehehe... I admire the guy, grabe... from what he tells me, hayup ang tiyaga na kailangan mo sa Archi. Good luck ;)

Buti na lang at walang pasok ngayon... nag all-nighter ako kagabi... as in straight from making my proj... naligo na ako at nagbihis for school. THEN I found sir Alwin's text na wala palang pasok. Salamat, Lord. HAAAAAY :D

It's funny, though... bakit ang bloated ng face ko after ako nakatulog whereas parang ang ganda ng tingin ko sa sarili ko just after bathing (and no sleep)... puffy eyes -_- hanggang ngayon puffy pa rin ata e. -_-

hopeless?

2005-08-24T00:14:00.000+08:00

Maybe I'm too serious about all this love crap. Maybe I should start playing... just have fun... stop this stupid maturity and learn to be immature. I've never been immature, you know that? It's a common thing to hear among my family members that I was born a lady... i was never a child. No, this doesn't mean that I don't know how to have fun... I'm just not irresponsible. I should learn to let go of my inhibitions completely... I should just play play play and not think of the consequences... I should detach my actions from my emotions and my better judgement... I should just be a kid for once and not think... have fun not think at all of tomorrow... live today, now, this moment. LET GO.

Haaay... but am I really capable of that? Is that me? (I think some would say yes... heeheehee)

I could look at all of this in another way... maybe the guys I like are intimidated by me... I'm too hot to handle... I'm too good... I'm too powerful. Let's face it, I'm not your run off the mill dame! I know I'm something else... but attractive, I have yet to discover. You see, I have never seen myself through the eyes of another... and I want to. To me, I'm the most beautiful person in the whole damn universe... but to other people (and although I've often been complimented) I can't be sure. I'm not really in a hurry... but when I'm in that state of gooey mush, i can't help but wonder if my mr. perfect sees me with the same halo I see on him.

Yeah, ego trippin'. Loving my rebound strategy ;) Self-pity SUCKS! =D

The fact is I hate falling in love. I cry everytime I acknowledge that I am falling for someone. I don't like chaining myself to emotions, to irrationality, to mushy nonsense... I like being in the state of lovelessness (in terms of significant others... because I am never loveless for as long as God is in my life) I happen to like being rational and in control of my body. That's it... I like being in control.

I've been tempted to lose hope so many times... but, you see, when I lose hope, that means I have ceased to believe in the power of God... and I just can't do that... ever. God has pulled me up from so many pits, He took so many of my burdens and carried them for me... I doubt I'd still be here if I relied on my own hide, on my own strength. I can't ever lose hope, I can't ever stop believing in God. =) So no matter how bad things get sometimes, I'm never ever going to be alone. =D

Right now I've lost control... it's in the hands of chance... and it's killing me! AGH! ...so, on my part, I will leave it all up to God. Because if I'm going to lose control, I would rather leave the results in the hands of one I trust completely. He knows me more than I know myself and He knows what's best for me. Sigh... PRAY.

let it be...

2005-08-10T04:33:00.000+08:00

Some questions that keep me up at night...

I wonder what this is going to do to my body...

Should I start living my life in practice and not in theory?

Should I follow the currents of the wind and lose my childish idealisms?

Is it worth it?

Should I take a chance at romance at the risk of love?

Am I really in-love? And with whom? Or am I just in-love with being in-love?

I know I'd said that I woke up to the realities of life way too early in my life... but I've never lost my idealisms... well, yet. BUt... what's so wrong with being idealistic?

Procrastinating AGAIN =)

2005-07-17T00:12:00.000+08:00

Morpheus
Which Of The Greek Gods Are You
brought to you by Quizilla

AAAHHH! hehehe... to those who know who/what the Sandman isss.... shiver-quiver ;)

A Tribute

2005-07-15T19:10:00.000+08:00

I'd already used red and blue in one of my old works (which is with Zobel =D) but I did it with a tint of olive...
It's funny how colors can be so powerful, isn't it?

A tribute to Galo Ocampo's Flagellants series. =)

Picker-uper

2005-07-10T22:20:00.000+08:00

Your Sexy Brazilian Name Is

Lisandra Torres

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

=D haha!

You are sexy, powerful, and bold.
You're full of passion and energy...
Sometimes this passion has a dark side.

You feel most alive when you're seducing someone.
You never fail to get someone's attention.
Quick minded, you're also quick to lose your temper!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

SIRA! lolz!

Alien Worlds and Other Conspiracies

2005-07-10T10:30:00.000+08:00

The only thing keeping me from dropping from my PsychSoc application is something I remembered my professor said... he said that it's not really anything against you, just let it all slide off and carry on.

But to tell you the truth this is how I feel... I'm normally a sociable person, I have no issues against anybody... I have no desire to make everybody like me and I don't expect them to... but people usually have no problems with me. Well, this is in a normal social world. Now twist that world around to accomodate new sets of etiquette and expectations of which I cannot, for the love of me, adopt well nor understand... so I get into strange situations of offending people and I don't even know that I've offended them! You see, in the real world, it's not impolite to do or say such things (can't explain, app processes are supposed to be hush hush, diba?) which is why I've become (God, help me explain this) SHY! Yes, SHY! WTH!? I'd rather become the wall flower than talk to people, I'd rather submerge myself in work than have to socialize... I would rather clean up the mess than compete or interact...

And all the work I put into (hush hush) is somehow (strange as this may sound) appreciated and also unappreciated. I ended up driving all day yesterday... paranaque->divisoria->paranaque->katipunan->paranaque. I'm tired, beat up, and beaten down (yes, I know you know what that means).

And I don't even know what I'm doing this all for! OK, friends urged me to join... and I love my block and my coapps :) they're all wonderful people :) but I have no reason of my own. What am I doing all of these things for? Why am I giving 110% of myself in this? Damn me for being so competitive... I'm not even competing against anybody else but me.

LSS:

Placebo
Sleeping With Ghosts

The sea's evaporated
Though it comes as no surprise
These clouds we're seeing
Their explosions in the sky
It seems it's written
But we can't read between the line
Hush
It's okay
Dry your eye
Dry your eye
Soulmate dry your eye
Dry your eye
Soulmate dry your eye
Cause soulmates never die
This one world vision
Turns us in to compromise
What good's religion
When it's each other we despise
Damn the government
Damn the killing
Damn the lies
Hush
It's okay
Dry your eyes
Dry your eyes
Soulmate dry your eyes
Dry your eyes
Soulmate dry your eyes
Cause soulmates never die
Soulmates never die
Never die
Soulmates never die
Never die...
Soulmates never die
Soulmates never die
Soulmates never die
Soulmates never die

Which brings to mind something... I love Placebo, I wish I had enough money to buy all the CDs I want. Their lyrics are so very clever. Sleeping With Ghosts is still pretty soft for them. They're usually very beautifully blunt about everything... I still, even now, dabble in my facination for morbid and dark things (woohoo! Placebo is part of that, yes)... I guess it's my way of getting my mind off of stupid musings.

Amateur Pride

2005-06-25T01:18:00.000+08:00

My brother had texted me saying that he wants to try doing a collab with me. Astig! But this meant that I had to dust off my rusty limbs and start sketching/painting again (ergo painting not for school requirements or debuts). The professors at CFA... are kinda wondering why I'm NOT in FA. In fact may nagsabi sa akin na mas FA pa ako kaysa sa FA mismo.. I wouldn't go so far as that... pero, thanks. I'll take it as a compliment. I wish there were still such a thing as apprenticeship, then I'd be able to learn all I ought to learn (to the best of my potential) about art without having to compromise my love for the sciences. Hay hay, wishful thinking talaga. (hangad Da Vinci e, no? L'Uomo Universale)

Addition lang... PS kako... Now, seeing sir Daki's testimonials... nacurious tuloy ako as to what his paintings look like.

My first attempt at nude model sketching

Same sketching session... By the way this was last year when I was a fresh freshie :P 07-09-2004

(deleted last pic... naconscious ako sa sinabi ni rix -_-") Dahil ba curly yung hair? :P

Thinking is dangerous to your health...

2005-06-22T18:19:00.000+08:00

I don't want to think about things anymore... I feel insane just processing the information I'd just recently come upon.

First... we've been talking about sex and sexual organs in out CWTS... which, according to sir Daki is, simply, "fucked up". I have yet to figure out what this has to do with art, by the way. I thought MMDA art was actually more plausible. Oh well, it's fun nonetheless.

Second... ANG DAMING READINGS! Well.. parang napagsama-sama ko ata yung mga subjects na ma-readings sa isang sem. Am I really supposed to finish reading Aristotle in one night? I'd just finished Plato!

Third... I'd come upon some personal information which is just making me crazy... can't type it here... masyadong incriminating. Hehehe...

Fourth... and some happy news... also personal and waaaayyy too revealing :P

oh well... just letting out some frustrations. :P

Dalantao

2005-06-19T14:51:00.000+08:00

Well... it's about time I put something like this here. I love this story, I read it last year. It's the kind of story that leaves you thinking. It blurred, for me, distinctions between reality and desires... in a way, a sort of psychosis.

Kaya ko idol si sir Alwin e! :P Wehe

Dalantao
Ni Alwin C. Aguirre

Baog ako.

Anim na buwan na sana yung nasa tiyan ko.

Nalaglag nung nakaraang linggo.

Mahirap ang magdalantao. Sa mga unang buwan pa lamang na alam kong di pa nagkakasapat na hugis ang sanggol sa aking sinapupuna’y, nakita ko na ang mumunti niyang pagsipa na bumubukol sa aking tiyan. Naramdaman ko. Ayaw niyang lumabas, ‘pagkat di rin naman niyang ninais pumasok.

Ma, gusto ko nang magkabeybi. Tapos nilabasan siya. Paano? Paano nga ba? Pagpatong niya, umariba siya. Ta’s, nilabasan. Paano? Paano ako mabubuntis? Paano nga ba?

Sinabi ko naman kay Mario ‘yon isang araw bago kami ikasal. Ayaw ko kasing sa araw mismo na nariyan nang lahat ng bisita at ang pari at nakatayo na ako’t naghihintay na pumarada papunta sa dambana, e, hindi niya ‘ko siputin. Pero, isang araw lang talaga ang inilaan ko upang ipagtapat ito sa kanya. Siguro sabi ng sub-conscious ko para maipit itong si lalaki at di masyadong mapag-isipan ang lahat.

Tumangu-tango naman siya. Wala raw sa kanya ‘yon. Hinalikan niya ako sa noo. Matanda yata ang tingin niya sa ‘kin. Di pa man nagme-menopause, e, natigang na.

Bigla ko tuloy naala’la ang nangyari nung araw ng kasal. Nang matapos na ang bendisyon at hahalikan niya na ko’y bigla kong naisip na ilabas ang pagkapilya. Paglapat ng aming mga labi’y, kinanti ko ang sa kanya-natatakpan naman ng mga tangan kong bulaklak ang bahaging ‘yon. Alam kong mabilis siyang manabik, kaunting hipo lang, bibigay na. Alam ko rin ang hitsura niya kung kinakati siya-parang nanlulumo ang mukhang medyo galit, at malalim ang paghinga, parang toro. Alam kong matatawa ‘ko sa oras na makita ko siya kaya’t tinangka kong pigilan ang paghalakhak hanggang kami na lamang. Pero sa kainan, di ko na nakayanan. Pa’no ba naman, nakatumba ang porselana sa ibabaw ng cake, sa isang posisyong tila patikim sa magaganap kinagabihan. Titig na titig si Mario na parang na-hipnotismo. Bigla, pinindut-pindot ko ang kanyang mga palad habang nakangisi. At sa gitna ng mga bisitang nakabilog sa amin, nagdespensa siyang pupunta sa palikuran upang umihi.

Natutuwa ako. Nakahiligan ko na kasi siyang panoorin habang nilalabasan siya sa loob ko. Bakit nga ba ganoon? Kailangang labasan ang lalaki sa loob ng babae? Tuloy, obligasyon ko ang tumanggap sa ilalabas niya at bahala ako sa pagdadala ng bata. Kasalanan ko pa ‘ata ngayon dahil di ako magkakaanak.

Mag-aanim na buwan pa lang kaming kasal. Sa loob ng anim na buwang ‘yon, halos araw-araw kaming nagsisiping. Kung susumahin, mga isang buwan lang kaming nagpahinga.

Ta’s, gusto na niyang magkaanak.

Ayaw ko pang mabuntis. Kahit na mabubuntis ako, ayaw ko pa sa ngayon. Gusto ko pa siyang masarili. Gusto ko pang masdang lagi ang pagkakakunot ng kanyang noo, ang pagpinid nang mahigpit ng talukap ng kanyang mga mata at ang paghuhugis ng mga labi niya na di malaman kung “o” o “a” sa tuwing magtatalik kami. Natutuwa talaga ‘ko sa hitsura niya. Kahit na ako, minsan lang maligayahan sa mga eksena namin sa kama.

Naging musika na sa aking pandinig ang mga halinghing ng aming pagtatalik. Sa kanya nakatuon ang aking pansin sa tuwing sisimulan niya ang pag-abot sa rurok ng aming gabi. Para ‘kong nakatunghay sa isang concierto classical. Madulas ang kanyang pasok-adagio. Suwabe ang melodyang panimula. Hanggang maging allegretto ang kanyang mga unang indayog-sapat ang bilis, madiin ang bawat bagsak, malaki ang pagitan ng bawat nota. Hanggang maging allegro ang allegretto. Dito, pati ako’y napapaindak. Mabilis ang ritmo na regular ang bagsak. At ang paglalapat ng aming mga katawa’y lilikha ng nagsasalpukang tunog na sasaliw sa malalim niyang paghingang paputol-putol, na sasanib sa pagtibok ng aking dibdib na pabilis. At sasabay ang buong paligid-ang kama, ang sahig, ang lampara, ang plorera, ang mga kurtina-sa pag-indak sa aming ritmong nililikha. Hanggang tahakin ang andantino ng direksiyon ng aming musika. Ang grand finale ay ang pag-abot niya sa huling nota. Ang musikang ito ang aalingawngaw sa tainga ng aking isipan kahit na ang buong paligid ay tumila na. At ito ang ihuhuni ko kinabukasan. Sasabayan ng imbay ng braso’t hakbang ng mga paa at magpapakalunod sa saliw ng musika ng pagnanasa.

Naala’la ko tuloy kung bakit natutunan kong maging kompositor sa mga pagkakataong ‘yon. Iyon kasi ang una naming gabi. E, di, nakaraos na siya. Pero bago pa man siya umalis sa pagkakapatong, may tila narinig akong mga munting tinig na nanggagaling doon. Di ko mawari ang sinasabi nung una, ayun pala’y umuusal lamang sila ng mga katagang tig-iisang pantig-um, ah, um. Waring hirap na hirap, parang may itinutulak o binubuksan na di matinag. ‘Saka ko natunton na ang pinagmumulan ng mga tinig ay mga reklamo ng kanyang mga binhi na di tuluyang makapasok sa akin. Nayayamot ako sa mga maliliit na boses na ‘yon-tila nangungutya. Kaya’t bigla akong nagkaroon ng husay sa paglalaro ng melodya sa tuwing magsasanib ang aming katawan.

Ma, magkabeybi na tayo.

Utos na ‘yon. Ta’s, saka siya natapos. Di ko alam ang itutugon ko nung pagkakataong ‘yon bagamat di naman yata nangangailangan ng tugon. Subalit, biglang lumuwa sa bibig ko-mag-ampon tayo. Ayoko. Buti na lang-ayaw ko rin. Ba’t ko sinabi? Kasi ‘kala ko gusto niya. Pakiramdam ko kasi ang laki-laki ng kasalanan ko sa kanya.

Noon pa ma’y inaasam-asam na niyang maging isang ama at lalaking naghihintay maging isang ama. Di raw makukumpleto ang buhay niya kung di niya mararamdaman ‘yon. Sabi niya gusto niyang maranasan ang pagiging lalaking may asawang naglilihi. Yung mangungulit at hihingi ng imposible sa hating-gabi. Yun bang seedless na pakwan at saging na pula. Kahit arte lang daw, ayos na. Natawa ‘ko. Naisip kong umandar na naman ang kanyang pagka-teatro. Nasasabik lang siguro siya dahil mula nang magtapos sa kolehiyo, ay di na niya naranasan ang muling umarte. Ako man. Lahat naman yata’y nagkaroon ng panaginip ng pagkabata na balang-araw ay maging sikat na artista. Kaya ko pa pala nagustuhan itong si Mario. Di man natupad ang pangarap kong umarte, ang lalaki naman sa buhay ko’y artista. Pumayag ako. Arte lang naman. Nagduduwal ako kinabukasan.

Brown-out no’n. E, madaling araw pa naman kung mag-almusal ‘tong si Mario. Maaga kasing palagi kung gumising. Napagaya na rin ako-nasanay. Ayan tuloy, ang dilim-dilim. Sinindihan niya ang lighter. Biglang-bigla, sa paningin ko’y tila lumiwanag ang daan papuntang kusina, at kung saan ko man gustong pumunta, basta nasa likod ko ang asawa.

Ewan. Nakikisabay yata ang pagkakataon sa palabas namin. Hindi kunwari lang ang pagsusukang ‘yon nang kumakain kami ng almusal, bagamat binalak ko talaga nung kinagabihan pa. Pero, maasim na kasi yung gatas na nabili ko. Hinimas-himas niya ang likod ko habag nakatungo ako sa lababo. Bigla, may umandap-andap na bumbilya sa may ulunan ko.

Nagpunta ako sa butika pagpasok ni Mario. Ta’s tinawagan ko si Elvie. Nagkita kami sa Jollibee, sa may Philcoa. Yun na talaga ang HQ namin noon pa. O, ano ‘yan? Tinanggal ko sa plastic. Haha! Para sa’n ‘yan? Kahit na anong gawin mong pag-ihi diyan, walang dalawang pulang guhit na lalabas. Alam ko naman ‘yon. Naisip ko nga si Kyle, e. Buntis kasi. Kaya lang di ba ang panghi-panghi ng ihi ng pusa. Baka kung ano pang isipin ng asawa ko. Ta’s di ko pa siya mahuli-huli, nakalmot pa tuloy ako sa may balakang. O, anong balak mo? Ihi mo na lang. Di ba-ilang buwan na nga ba ‘yan? Huwag mong ituro-turo, baka kung anong mangyari. Anon’ng mangyayari? May mangyayari pa ba, e, nangyari na. Baka mausog. Mas takot ka pa ngayon sa pamahiin, e, nung mabuntis ka di ka man lang kinabahan. Hindi naman pamahiin ‘yon, katotohanan. Hindi ‘yon bunga ng matatandang kaisipan. Nagbunga ‘yon dahil sinabi kong gusto ko. Kanino mo sinabi? Sa akin, sa sarili ko. Ano na nga ‘yong sinasabi mo-ba’t ka natigilan? Wala. Nawala yung sasabihin ko-lumipad. Nakatitig ako kay Jollibee. Buntis kaya siya?

Tuwang-tuwa si Mario nang makita niya ang dalawang pulang guhit kinagabihan. Pinaunlakan din kasi ‘ko ni Elvie. Sa CR, umihi siya sa baso ng sprite. Okey nga, nung nasa jeep ako, parang may hawak lang akong orange juice.

Hanggang sa naglihi na nga ako. Sa dalagang-bukid. Natakot nga ako. Naala’la kong bigla yung pinakita sa Eye to Eye. Yun bang babaeng nanganak ng dalag, ta’s, dalawang araw pa lang, namatay na. Natakot akong baka mamatay kaagad ang dalagang bukid na isisilang ko. Di pa nga ako bihasa sa pag-aalaga ng sanggol na tao, sanggol na isda pa. Pa’no ko yun pasususuhin?

Kumuha na rin ng katulong si Mario para raw di na ‘ko gumawa sa bahay. Maselan raw ang panganay. Natatawa ‘ko. Gusto kong ipaala’la sa kanya na isang palabas lang ‘yon. Pero, naisip kong baka masaktan siya. Gusto niya ‘yon.

Ayun, nakisakay na nga ‘ko nang tuluyan. Para malubos-lubos na, maghapon na lang akong humilata sa kama. Andiyan na naman si Laura-magaling pang magluto.

Kumain ng hilaw na manggang nilasing sa beer. Ayaw ko kasi ng bagoong-nasusuka ‘ko sa amoy. No’ng mga lumipas na araw, di lang ‘yon ang kinayamutan ko. Pati amoy ng asawa ko, ayaw ko na. Natutuwa naman siyang makitang nagdadaan ako sa proseso ng paglilihi. Nakikita na yata niya ang kaganapan ko bilang isang maybahay. O, ang katuparan ng kanyang pagkalalaki.

Nung mag-aapat na linggo na ‘kong nakahilata, pakiramdam ko nalimutan na ng mga buto ko kung papa’no kumilos. Di na rin kilala ng mga paa ko ang bawat baitang ng hagdan. Unang baba ko sa loob ng dalawang araw, umurong ang mga baitang pagkaaninag sa mga paang noon lamang nakita. Nahulog ako sa paanan ni Laura.

Nataranta si Mario pag-uwi. Mula no’n ay ayaw na niya ‘kong pakikilusin. Hindi dahil sa muntik nang pumutok ang ulo ko, kundi dahil panganay daw namin ang dinadala ko. Nagsimula akong mayamot. Pero naisip kong magsasawa rin siya.

Dalawang buwan na ‘kong buntis. Isang umaga paggising ko, nagulat akong nakapatong ang ulo ni Mario sa tiyan ko. Bahagyang uminit ang pakiramdam ko. Akala ko’y kinati na rin sa wakas-natauhan na. Di pa pala. Pinakikinggan daw niya ang beybi naming umiiyak. Nainis ako, pero parang natural na lumabas sa bibig ko, sandali na lang beybi, lalabas ka na rin-at bigla kong narinig ang impit na taghoy ng isang sanggol. Kalam lang ng sikmura? Nagitla ‘ko. Biglang tumalon sa kama si Kyle, ngiyaw! Napangiti ako. Nagitlang muli. Si Kyle ba ‘yon, o ang beybi niya? Ang beybi niya ba ‘yon o ang beybi ko? Nagkatinginan kami ng pusa.

Mag-aapat na buwan na. Nahihiyang na ‘ko sa pagbubuntis. Parang, enjoy din. Nakasanayan ko na ang paghilata sa kama, ang paggising nang tanghali, ang pagkain nang marami. Parang tunay ngang may kahati ako sa pagkain sa loob ko. Di ko alam kung nagkaro’n ng sariling bibig ang tiyan ko, o nagsabanyuhay-tao ito na siyang sanhi ng madalas kong pagkatakam sa mga kutkutin. O, kung nagawa nga ng isip ko na buhayin ang tigang kong lupa. Ang maglagak ng bata sa matris kong di nga malusutan ng mga binhi ng asawa.

Bumangon ako at tinangkang ayusin ang sarili. Nanabik na kasi ‘ko kay Mario. Magkakalahating taon na rin. Nagulantang ako sa nakita sa salamin. Namamaga ang aking ilong. Namamanas ang mga braso. Nakaumbok ang tiyan. Nakausli ang puwit. Hinubad ko ang bagong maternity dress na bulaklaking pula rin tulad ng iba pang maternity dress na binili ni Mario. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Kamukha ko na si Jollibee. Sinuot kong muli ang damit na nung una’y kinasusuklaman ko-ayaw ko kasi sa floral, pati sa matingkad na kulay. Nabalot na muli sa pula ang aking katawan. Tinitigan ko’ng muli ang aking kabuuan. Kamukha ko na nga si Jollibee. Noon ko na rin napuna, namumulaklak ang kuwarto ko.

No’n ko napagtanto na may dinadala nga pala ‘ko. Nagtaka ‘ko, pero natabunan ‘yon ng di pagkagalak.-nangungulila kasi ‘ko sa mga haplos ni Mario. Gugustuhin ko ring magkaanak sa nalalapit na panahon. Kahit di puwede. Pero, di pa ngayon. Pinakasalan ko si Mario dahil nung panahong sagutin ko siya, siya ang gusto ko at di ang kinabukasan namin na isang kumpletong pamilya. Pero, dapat akong matuwa, anak namin ‘yon. Yata. (?)

Nakumpirma kinahapunan. Bumisita kami kay Ma-an, ob-gyne, kaibigan ni Mario. Sinuri-suri niya ‘ko. Ayos naman daw ang pagbubuntis ko. Di na ‘ko nabigla. Maski na ako’y nabigla sa di ko pagkabigla. Iniabot pa nga niya ang stethoscope sa ‘kin para raw mapakinggan ko ang paghinga ng beybi ko. Di ko na kailangan ‘yon. Araw-araw kong naririnig ang tibok ng puso nito. Masarap pakinggan ang pintig ng buhay na nagmumula sa loob ko. Tiyak akong di ‘yon kalam ng sikmura. Di ko lang sigurado kung sa sanggol ‘yon nagmumula. Tinanggap ko pa rin ang instrumento at ngumiti. Tulad ng pagtanggap ko sa kababalaghang ito.

Napagbiruan din naming tatlo kung ano ang ipapangalan sa bata pagsilang. Ang gusto ni Mario ay Luisito kung lalaki. Sabi ni Ma-an na magandang pakinggan ang Isabel kung saka-sakaling babae. Sumabad ako sa isip ko, e, kung dalagang-bukid, puwede na ba ang Dyesebel? Natawa ‘kong bigla. Pinagtinginan nila ‘kong dalawa. Habang nagkukuwentuhan kami’y, pumapasok sa isip ko na kinuntsaba lamang ni Mario itong doktora. Ngunit nasasapawan ng tibok na nanggagaling sa ‘king sinapupunan ang mga hinala-biglang sumipa ang bata.

Kapapasok ng ika-anim na buwan. Sabado. May mga sariwang rosas sa lamesita-mahilig nga talaga sa bulaklak ‘tong asawa ko. Inaayos ko ang kama habang nakikinig sa himig ng pintig ng buhay ng aking sinapupunan. Napansin ko ang kakaibang bulaklak sa gitna ng napakaraming iba pa na limbag ng kubre-kama. Tiningnan ko ang bulaklakin kong saplot, meron din. Hinubad ko ito upang lalong makita ang ‘isang hiwaga. Nakita ko ang pulang dumadaloy sa aking hita nang ako’y tumungo-dahan-dahan, tuloy-tuloy, sumusunod sa bawat kurba, lumiko pagdating sa may tuhod, ginalugad ang alak-alakan, pumalibot sa aking binti, matingkad na pula, naglalakbay, payapa, walang patid, walang putol. Sandali akong nabulag, ngunit minulat din ng pula.

Nagtatakbo akong hubo’t hubad sa buong kabahayan, patungo sa labahan, nag-iiwan ng pulang bakas sa bawat madaanan-parang pulang ahas, parang pulang lasong nakapalibot sa paligid. Nakita ko ang kakaibang limbag na ‘yon sa kubre-kama at mga damit ko nung mga nakaraang linggo. Ang iba’y nasa labahan pa, ang iba’y nakasampay na. Pumasok si Laura, pagkakita niya sa ‘ki’y nagsisigaw siya nang nagsisigaw. Humangos si Mario at nang masaksihan ang pangyayari’y nagkatitigan kami. Binulyawan niya si Laura upang tumawag ng ambulansiya. Ito namang babae’y palahaw nang palahaw, nakunan si Ma’am, nakunan si Ma’am! Nagsigawan silang dalawa sa harapan ko habang ako’y dinudugo. Napangiti lamang ako. Dumaan ako sa pagitan nila kaya lamang sila natigilan. Naguhitan ko ng pula ang kanilang mga paa. At tinahak kong muli ang daang pula papuntang kuwarto, at ako’y naligo. No’n ko napagtanto na halos kalahating taon akong nawala sa aking sarili.

Di muna kami nagkikita ngayon ni Mario-mag-iisip daw muna siya sa mga nangyari. Pumayag ako. Kailangan ko rin namang bumawi sa sarili ko sa panahong nawalay ako sa kanya-kailangan ko ring magbawas ng timbang at isipin kung paano mabubura ang stretch marks na likha ni Kyle. Akala ko nga magsasampa ng annulment on the basis of psychological incapacity, infertile to be a mother of his children. Di mataba ang lupa ko. Ngunit, kahit di ako mabubuntis, habambuhay pa rin akong magdadalantao, dahil bitbit ko-palagi-ang aking sarili.

Si Laura, medyo nahimasmasan na. Subalit natutulala pa kung makikita ang mga pulang mantsa sa mga kubre-kama. At sa mantsa sa kanyang paa na kahit na anong hilod ay di mabura.
Nakaririnig pa rin ako ng pintig mula sa aking kaloob-looban. Ngunit, ngayon, tiyak ako. Ako yun. Buhay na buhay.

At ang pulang bakas sa buong kabahayan-tuluyan nang nagmantsa sa marmol. Di ko maipaliwanag, ngunit nagliliwanag-matingkad na pulang naglalagablab—at nagsisilbi kong daan kung madilim ang kapaligiran. Patungo sa kusina, sa labahan o paakyat sa hagdan.

Old Habits Die VERY Hard

2005-06-16T22:52:00.000+08:00

A poem I never got to use... I wonder if it's any good :-?

Crawling on my hands and knees
Begging my way to You
This maze I tread had suddenly leapt
Into a path as straight as day

It has never been plainer
And it has never been more trying
To look straight ahead
This far means to Your passion

My remorse is that I had forgotten
My love I’d hidden for so long
Deadening myself from your cries
I’d loved you all along

My whole body shouts
My soul rides high
But my heart refuses to try
In shame for what it had done

Drowning in my tears
I could see no salvation in me
None of my own will
Even when Your calling persevered

Then you whispered to my heart, “Child…
I’d heard your silent cries
And though you know it not
I never forgot you.

“Your words of love
Are all I choose to remember
Though you’d lost your way
I am here for always

“From your first confession of love
And even before the dawn of your life
My own love for you has stood
Through even your darkest hours

“For it is I who beats your heart
And I know what it has said
From even when you’d lost your sense
How you loved me so.

“Beneath your anguish
I heard your love calling me
A current below your feet
Strong and powerful

“And I will never forget
How pure your love is
Even if you fail to remember…
Your God holds this true to a time without end.”

If I could look into His eyes
The tears that rained on me that day
Has never been more harsh
And yet never sweeter

For when truth descended upon me
My longing has never been emptier
Desperately searching for the One
In dire need of His completion

And God is all I need
I offer my every waking moment
For the sake of keeping His love
In my midst and memory always

And in this ugly humanity I nurture
This life I must lead…here on in…
My life’s hurts will foster my passion
My deepest fervor to have Him always

And even if I drift for eons
To realize this burning hunger
The search is never in vain
Immortality in my fierce desiring

In the last heave of my breath
It is to be my utmost aspiration
And my most ardent longing
To see His face… and touch my Lord

Kyan Douglas!

2005-06-13T20:12:00.000+08:00

The fruit of our labor!

The Queer Adventure

2005-06-12T10:18:00.000+08:00

I was excited that morning... wow! I was going to get to see Thom Filicia! The guy is amazing. If you'd seen any of the episodes of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy you'd know that he's the designer of the group... his works are impressive! More so because he has to crunch all his work (per straight guy) into 2 days. My mom was given an invitation to his talk, whoopie! She could care less about it but I wasn't going to allow her to waste perfectly good invites! So I went on her behalf. Unfortunately the Queer Eye books were sold-out so we couldn't get his autograph. Or rather, Karen wasn't able to get his autograph... but she did manage to get a copy of Beautified by Kyan Douglas. (I had no money with me at that time ="D so none for me... heehee)

Because we weren't able to get Thom's autograph... we decided to go to G3 for Kyan! HAHA! Talk about on the spur of the moment.

Neither of us had ever driven to Glorietta on our own before... so needless to say, we got lost.

35 minutes of circling around one-way Makati streets later... we got to G3 lobby only to find out that we couldn't get the book autographed because we had no number. Yuck. We did try though. Luckily the trip was not really in vain. As a photographer passed through the crowd we'd been nice enough to give way to him... as he went on stage to take Kyan's pictures. Whee! So we went to him, flashed a cuter-than-a-button smile and asked him to take a close-up picture for us! Oh thank you mr. photographer! You're a God-send! Ack! All this effort finally paid off! When we saw the picture, we screamed! Wouldn't you have, too, had you been in our shoes? Driving all the way to Makati from Paranaque...Getting L-O-S-T... Standing amidst a hot sweaty crowd for a good 30 or so minutes... (in Karen's case... buying an expensive book and not getting it signed)... at least we came out of the whole thing with this one picture! A good close-up pic where he SMILED at the camera! WHEE!!! We used Karen's cam though, she still has to send it to me. ^_^

We drove home with huge grins on our faces. Yeap, we were somewhat satisfied.

Gallery:

He's STRAIGHT! Oh... wait... I guess nothing says gay more than a beso beso.

Thom Filicia... he's as nice as nice can be. Even after numerous embarassing computer shutdowns throughout his presentation. -_-

OK... he's gay, ladies... give it up. He seemed flattered, though. =) He's super cute but I'm hesitant to say it because........

of this...

-_- my dad. I don't have a younger pic of dad, but he does have a slight resemblance to Kyan. Creepy and, yet, kinda cool.

Wyrms by Orson Scott Card

2005-05-20T23:01:00.000+08:00

This book is sooo good that years after I read it (I think I read it back in sixth or seventh grade) I had the sudden urge to re-read it. One particular event in the story kept circling around my head and I took it upon myself to type down that part into this blog.

I have to warn you though, because of this part, I developed a crush on the character Will. Heehee. Good stuff ;)

The punishment eased, now that he wasn't touching her. She began to breathe more calmly.

"He doesn't touch your deepest place," said Will. "He can only force your passion, not your will. All the Wise who went to him, they were weaker than their passion. They had spent all their lives increasing their understanding, building their stories of the world. Their memory, their identity, that part of the triune soul was honed to perfection, sharper than any sword I ever carried into battle. But when Unwyrm came, he came to their passion. It was unfamiliar territory to them, a place they had not conquered in their soul, and so they went to him, thinking they had no choice."

"He made me think I couldn't breathe, even though I was breathing."

"If you had wanted to stay in my arms," said Will, "you would have stayed."

"I couldn't."

"If you had wanted to, completely, without any reservation of your own, you could have stayed."

"How do you know what I can or cannot do?"

"Because he has called me, and I know the limits of his power."

She studied him as well as she could in the moonlight. As far as she could tell, he spoke the truth. This hulking giant was one of the Wise? This man who had pulled his own plow in Reck's field, who never spoke, who had lived as a slave and believed at least some of the doctrine of the Vigilants -- was one of the Wise?

"You and I," said Will, "we have learned the same strength. We both grew up under strong masters, and we both obeyed. But we learned to turn our obedience into freedom. We learned how to choose to obey, even when others thought we had no choice. So that even though we gave the appearance of having no will of ur own, all our actions all our lives have been free."

She thought of Father's and Angel's tests, the rules of protocol, the rituals of self-denial. Sometimes it was as Will said. Sometimes she chose freely. But other times, no. Other times she was not free at all, and chafed at the bonds of slavery.

"Did he ever take your breath away?" she asked.

"I went into battle one day. My master was the captain general, and his banner drew the enemy to us. I stood between them and him, as I had always done. Only this day, Unwyrm called to me. He put terrible fear in me, but I stood my ground. He made me so thirsty and hungry that my head ached and my mouth went dry, but I stood my ground. He made the need of my bladder and bowel so great that my body released all that it held, but I paid no attention and stood my ground. And then as the enemy reached me, he made me feel as if I were suffocating. The need to breathe is the one irresistible need, and I knew that I would not find ease from that agony until I left the field of battle and began my trek Cranningward."

"What did you do?"

"What you would have done. I made sure I was really breathing, and then went ahead and did what I wanted, regardless of the pain. I killed forty-nine men that day -- the flagbearer kept count of it -- and my master offered me my freedom."

"Did you take it?"

"How could he offer me what I already had? I was free. As you are free. If you had not secretly doubted that you wanted to love me, you would have had me here on this deck."

"And would you have given yourself to me?" she asked.

"Yes."

Give me a "P" an "R" an "O" ... oh forget it.

2005-05-09T21:30:00.001+08:00

procrastinating... argghhh... hehehe

Ste4's Birthday Todaaay!

2005-04-30T18:41:00.000+08:00

Steph, ang dyologzz mo talaga. Hehehehe ^_^ J/K. Bumili ng F4 CDs at tinago para di makita ng mga tao. HAHAHA! Happy birthday STEPH!

I found something really cool. Everyone knows I've been dealing with bad skin lately (as in lately lang talaga... since UP nag-break-out skin ko :<) Siguro dahil sa lahat ng usok ng mga lecheng tambucho ng mga jeep at ng mga ibang sasakyan... at siyempre all my late nights/all-nighters don't help either. Dati-dati once 5 na pimples ko, super super worried na ako... ngayon ... nakaka 6... minsan 7 :(... yikes. Mga kabarkada ko na nagsasabi sa akin, "Puyat ka 'no?"... haay. OPO kikay rin ako when it comes down to it! SO anyway... I found something that has really controlled my break-outs (this sounds sooo much like a commercial...) St. Ives medicated apricot scrub for oily/acne prone skin with salicylic acid. thrice a week ko lang ginagamit (kasi nga scrub sya.. baka masira pa skin ko kung araw-arawin ko) tapos noticably smoother skin ko ngayon. Whoo!

I also paired that treatment with benzoyl peroxide cream... pero hindi sabay. Baka magdry naman skin ko kung ganon.

OK... next topic. hehe.

Bakla ba si Piolo o hindi? I just saw this mag that says he's part of some gay sex video scandal. Regardless whether he's gay or not... I feel awful for these people who get involved in sex video scandals. No one deserves that... Kasi nas-strip ka ng dignidad mo e. We should also conider that the people in the video COULD just be lookalikes... and no one would believe the real people that it's not them. Kawawa naman, diba?

Well... I'm not really much into the pinoy entertainment industry... I wouldn't know the dif between starlet A from starlet B... or boldstar A from boldstar B. I only know as much as my friends are willing to talk about... like Darna's boobs, for instance. Other than that, I'm completely clueless.

Death is No Stranger to Us

2005-04-23T15:41:00.000+08:00

The reality of the situation has finally dawned on me. Our Rej is gone from this world. It is during these times that I truly truly appreciate my faith.

Again, I've found myself heaving for breath, dragging my feet, a familiar pain building in my chest... Oh, I find it so hard to exist sometimes. And yet, strangely, somehow I do... I'm still here... I still get by day after day. I know that this is all because of GOD. Without Him, without His hand that supports me, there is no way I'd still be here right now, there's no way I could bear this strange ballet called life. (I love living, I hate living... it certainly is a "bittersweet symphony")

Now, this is how I feel; I'm sure similar to how all of Rej's other friends feel... but imagine how her family feels. You see, when we die, the burden of living ends and true peace comes... (I cannot know what lies on the other side but I do know that God has promised us peace, love, and paradise beyond our own comprehension.) But for those we leave behind, they are forced to find ways to live without us.

WE are now forced to find ways to live without the physical presence of Rej... but this will certainly not stop us from loving her. She continues to live with us, inside us, and beyond us... Rej, tito Bong, rest peacfully in the kingdom of our Lord. Someday, Rej, we'll meet again... so wait for me.

As is a custom in our family, I offer the Irish blessing to her, tito Bong, and to all of us who mourn for them.

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
And the rain fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again...
May God hold you in the palm of His hand

We love you Rej. Now that you're with God, please pray for us who are still here.

The world is not a perfect place. This is a lesson we all had to face a little too early in our lives.

2005-04-20T16:50:00.000+08:00

I'm still in denial. Up to now I'm still expecting to see Rej. Y'know I'm only starting to get used to calling her Mia. She's always been Rej to me... since gradeschool pa.

I refuse to believe na wala nang "kaaway" si char
I refuse to believe na wala na akong kaagaw sa strawberry munchkins
I refuse to believe na wala nang tutukso (or mauunang manukso) sa akin kay...
I refuse to believe na hindi na ako aasarin sa art stud grades ko... or for that matter sa pagiging artsy fartsy ko

No, our piggie is still going to go to school after summer... we're still going to chitchat in the corridors... and I'm still going to bug her to take FA28 with me... in fact magpapatulong nga ako sa kanya sa math 100 e... nakuha ko kasi si Sir Musngi (voltes five).

For those who don't know... Maria Regina Antonia Madrigal was touring China when she and her parents were attacked by a strange Chinese madman. He started stabbing them for no apparent reason (speculation is that the man was an anti-japanese extremist... they might have been mistaken for Japanese. This is all speculation though. No confirmation.). Mr. Eduardo Madrigal and Rej passed away but thankfully Mrs. Vivian Madrigal pulled through and is now in a stable condition. I recently recieved news that Rej and her father are going to be cremated and flown back to the Philippines this weekend.

Please wake me up. This is such a horrible nightmare.

2005-04-20T16:23:00.000+08:00

We love her so much!

2005-04-19T23:34:00.000+08:00

No Words Needed

So DO something about it!

2005-04-12T11:11:00.000+08:00

Haaay... I'm going to start living the healthy life...

Meaning no junk food, minimal sweet pastries, wheat bread, boiled lean meat, seafoods, and lotsa fruits and veggies.

Example: Today I had 1 slice of papaya with a small piece of puto for breakfast and boiled mussels for lunch. Yesterday naman I had half a serving of pancit malabon and a salad.

I wonder if I can keep this up?! Sana naman. -_- I think my skin's gone to hell because of my bad diet and all my late nights... and I haven't been gaining weight but I have been losing energy. Plus I'll be testing the hypothesis that a healthy diet maximizes mental processes. Good luck sa akin. Hehe.

Anothier thing that's been scaring me lately is that I've been having one too many headaches these past few days. Well... I'll keep a diary of what I eat from now on. This is my own little experiment on myself. Haaayyy... will, don't fail me now. -_-

2005-04-10T21:01:00.000+08:00

We will breathe again, someday... We just have to wait.

To the mentor of my untamed soul
This broken spirit will follow
Without inhibitions and chains
My comfort is in your embrace

To the owner of my better heart
I will hold your hand
When your ghosts come to haunt you
Let your fear be mine

And this cold in us will fade away
As my ear presses against your chest
The beating rhythm of our meaning
Locked in our silent conversations

When I doubt, let it be myself
Never must I doubt you, love
For you are the one truth in this world
That is beyond me... beyond me.

2005-04-10T00:25:00.000+08:00

summer clothes I want made -_-

2005-04-10T00:06:00.000+08:00

Rika's birthday yesterday! ^_^

2005-04-09T23:52:00.000+08:00

My long overdue gift. -_- Sorry Karen. Hehe.

2005-04-09T17:05:00.000+08:00

Yay! My hair is long again!

I am such a dork -_-

2005-04-09T14:13:00.000+08:00

I feel like such a dork...

I know Savage Garden (yes, I know where their name came from... while I was reading Lestat) isn't really in the scene anymore... but when Myx played their songs sa Take 5 parang lumiyab yung affinity ko sa songs nila (especially during the video of Moon and Back). I remembered impressed na impressed kami ni Kuya sa kanila when they first came out with I Want You (it really is a good song... really hard to sing, too -_-)

Not that Savage Garden fans are dorks... NO. I just feel like a dork when I find myself being a fan of something. -_- (ie. Rivermaya, L'Arc en Ciel, etc. and now... Savage Garden)... Shiiyeeeeet. =_=

To the Moon and Back
Savage Garden

She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smile and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, "Mamma never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection"
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
She's saying

I would fly to the moon & back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was colorblind
All her friends they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying, "Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith is
Is like a journey I just don't have a map for"
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
Just saying

Hold on... hold on...

Mamma never loved her much
And Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
Just saying

Legal... Finally.

2005-04-05T15:56:00.000+08:00

I got my licence today...

One thing that left me a little weirded out was... the practical driving exam. He made me park my car in front of him and that was it. Finito. Period... Yun lang yun. He didn't even get in my car! We didn't even face traffic! No wonder it's so easy to get a licence these days... and no wonder there are so many incapable drivers. Haaay... oh well.

Basta, legal ako. Rejoice na rin. ^_^

Romanticized Maturity

2005-04-04T21:33:00.000+08:00

I used to be quite morbid. Not too hard to believe, really, that once upon a time, I fancied myself to be at ease in the dark... that my head was so clouded and I was so jaded... and, well, bitter.

But hey, that's teenage angst for you. It came and it went... about five years, then I embraced the idea that I am human.

Perhaps it's teenage angst, that harsh introduction to the realities of the world, that finally separates you from the last strands of your umbilical cord to heaven. Somehow, as children, we were hybrids between angels and humans... but then we grow older, and, inevitably, lose our purity. No wonder we're so bitter.

This "maturity" they force upon us is a chapter in our lives meant to bring us further into the infernal affairs of human beings, mingling as they do, living as they do... and once we embrace it, we are finally and completely human. Refusing it leaves us frozen, isolated, and lost without an origin, without a home, and without sight... perhaps, at most, left only with a dream.

The faint memory of our purity compels us to strive to return to that place and moment in time when we were a part of heaven. God forbid I should ever forget that precious memory... for when I do I will lose all hope in living, in loving and in all that I hold near to me... including myself.

2005-03-31T19:31:00.000+08:00

SHAR-PEI!

Shar Peis or Golden Retrievers

2005-03-31T19:27:00.000+08:00

I love cookie (my dachtsund) but if I were to have my own doggie... It'll have to be a shar pei, a golden retriever, or BOTH! (you can add cookie into the cocktail, too... i love that dog :D)

May magregalo sa akin ng shar pei or ng retriever... haay! I am your slaaave! :D hahaha!

Mahangin sa Manila

2005-03-31T18:41:00.000+08:00

xxxxxx_**** (3:27:26 PM): sabi nga nung isang prof, magcross enroll na raw sa diliman, kung gusto mo ipasa lahat ng chem mo
xxxxxx_**** (3:28:30 PM): sabi nung prof, mga nakaka-kwatro sa manila, nakakauno sa diliman

WTH?!

Ano ang UPD? mala Olivarez school of nursing?

Wala pa akong naririnig na comments sa UPD against other UP campuses. General idea kasi ata namin e... basta UP magaling. Kupal pala ibang campuses e, reaction formation ng insecurities o ng feelings of inferiority (yah, yah, freud, I know). Pesteng prof na 'yan, ang hangin.

Hindi ba't nakakainis?

I'm Sick but I'm Pretty...

2005-03-31T11:55:00.000+08:00

That Alanis song. Goodness, I used to love Alanis so much... pero hanggang Jagged Little Pill lang. Hmm... I wonder why?

Anyway... I couldn't study yesterday because of the weather+my illness. Crud. Now I have only today up to sunday to really study for Chem. WAH! Konti na lang e!!! Technically I don't even have to take the finals and pasado pa rin ako. Pero yun nga lang, ano ako? Baliw? Baka ma-tres ako n'yan!

I can't make up my mind about ... well... about... MSTs. I'm so scared of getting a "terror" prof... -_- Imagine... failing a GE?!? WTH? e, GE lang 'yan e! I keep on changing my sched. -_- so now, it's geol & physics for MSTs and FA & PP for AHs.

Good luck na lang =_=

ANG INIT!!!

Psych gets to ya... can't live without it... apparantly.

2005-03-29T19:21:00.000+08:00

"you can be a bad boy in bora and be good again in manila" -- some guy sandro knows. After studying personality and social psychology (gist) I tend to overanalyze trivial things... What is it then? are you good or are you bad? (asking for the perspective of the speaker) Hindi ako nagmamarunong... i just want to know how people think.

Y'know... I'd love to do an experiment on compliance, obedience, and, yes, personality. Compliance and conformity nakakatuwa. ;D Even more curious would be non-conformity. Well... all that will come. I'll be doing experiments next school year. Heeeellooooo GUINEA PIGS!

I wonder if I can do a summer job while studying this summer...? I mean... hanggang 1 pm lang naman (halos) classes ko a. KC tutorials, I heard, needs an art teacher... I can tutor somebody (chem, para fresh na fresh sa utak ko :P hehehe... or math, para uber uber fresh! That's my summer e) Basta 1-3 hours a day... mga ganon. I just want a summer job... no, let me rephrase that... I WANT MONEY!

Haaay...

Getting Things Done... somehow

2005-03-29T16:39:00.000+08:00

I don't know how to minor... it seems like nobody does... but I'll try to maximize/integrate bio subjects to my electives/minor. Ack, whutever... basta these are what I want... possible options.

Does anybody know what chem 40 and 40.1 are? And if there are prereqs for them? I plan to take them so that I can take Bio122 (animal physiology)

I also want to take Bio132 (developmental biology of vertebrates) that only has Bio102 as its prereq (which is already part of the curriculum... pero 4th year.)

If I take chem 40 and 40.1 then I can also try taking Bio140 (elementary genetics)

An easier and more immediate target would be to take Bio117 (vertebrate zoology) with inly Bio 12 as its prereq (I can take this sa summer, no?)

I could take a 5th year to minor in biology?

The other alternative could be is to minor in chemistry... but I can't seem to find their curriculum online -_-

For the curious, no I don't plan to further my education in art beyond FA28 (and possibly AS2)... so no, I'm NOT shifting.

Mocking Birds on the Loose

2005-03-28T15:50:00.000+08:00

I'm in-love, I think... well, at least I know I have been before and I know it's all euphoric and all that... but there seems to be a growing trend emerging. Marriage. No not the real thing, which is what kinda disturbs me, mock marriage.

No, Nico, don't worry... this isn't about you. You're the real deal, dude.

Mock marriage, people call their girlfriends and boyfriends "asawa". Has the word become so... kitsch? So... common? So...casual?

It's good to be in-love... and intending to marry your partner (some day), or even feeling as if you were married in your current relationship is completely different from actually being married.

Maybe I hold marriage in such high regard that I can't use the word "spouse" or "asawa" mockingly, even in the best intention.

As I understand it, even with the absence of divorce in our country, Filipinos are less afraid of commitment (generally) than western countries (europe and america). Maybe that's why people are using the word so casually these days.

Oh well... this is just my observation.

2005-03-26T10:17:00.000+08:00

Mom and Dad

2005-03-26T10:16:00.000+08:00

Mommy and me ^_^

2005-03-26T10:15:00.000+08:00

Me again!

2005-03-26T10:14:00.001+08:00

Lazing around on the beach

2005-03-26T10:14:00.000+08:00

Moon over the Ona Lipahan farm

Summer plans... what plans?!

2005-03-23T21:38:00.000+08:00

I have 2 tests to go: Psych 101 (sexuality to social psych. whoopie!) and Chem16 (LAHAT!)

Summer sched: M-F 7-8am PE Social Dancing, 9:35-12:10 Math 100

This holy week I have to do Izhar's flash presentation... sat-monday

Oh no... namatay si sir Briones last Sunday. Please pray for his soul.

To all incoming freshies... take sir Alwin Aguirre PanPil 17 next sem. Idol ko talaga s'ya!

Mother and... Child?!

2005-03-20T21:31:00.000+08:00

NICO!

2005-03-19T22:49:00.000+08:00

Nico messaged me today!!! I miss him ssooooo super much!

I have 2 papers and a plate to do tomorrow... CRAP! THIS SUCKS! Kakatapos lang ng chem 3rd exam and I'm bombarded with shyeeeet! -.-#

Someday I will see the beach... putek, di pa kami vacation even after holy week?!

No chance na maeexempt ako sa finals ng chem... ASA PA AKO E! BOO!!!

... at least hearing from Nico made my day ^_^ YEY!

2005-03-19T22:48:00.000+08:00

Sex Talks With Sir Eric

2005-03-19T22:47:00.000+08:00

I'm such a groupie, I swear. I love sir Eric! Nyaha! Saya ng sex talks namin XP... and from what I can deduce, I think Sir Eric's bi, as in straight down the middle, bi.

I mean, anyone who says sinasamba ang clitoris... gosh... c'mon! And here I heard he was plain gay... hindi pala.

I learned new terminologies like... "paninisid" and "bataan"! nyaha! and what kupal really means. Wehe... and what the hell the g-spot was... ang dami!

Informative but not necessarily dirty. Seryoso, (ok, maybe a little :P, sir kasi e... nyaha!) these are things people really ought to know! There's no use in keeping yourself in the dark about it... I can't believe ngayon ko lang nalaman kung ano ang smegma... at kung paano ang frottage... and the different categories of sex. Why abhor something so beautiful, pleasurable, and natural... diba? Kay sir ko rin ata nalaman kung saan nagsimula ang tradisyon ng... fisting... -_-

And ngayon ko lang rin nalaman na... even thinking about sex, as in fantasies, is considered a sexual act. An act done anywhere, anytime... whohoo! Also the real reasons behind sex... na hindi lang talaga sya pang procreation... especially in the human context. So very informative. ^_^

I love psych 101, kundi lang dahil sa experiment hours, it's the most fun subject ever!

2005-03-19T22:46:00.000+08:00

Karen's Pahrtay!

Chem Bloody Chem

2005-03-15T21:03:00.000+08:00

Take home quiz... at nakauwi na ako ng 9 today. Due s'ya bukas ng 12 pm -_- better get to work.

Chem is FUN!

2005-03-14T22:08:00.000+08:00

I should've included in the teacher's evaluation that chem should teach us practical fun things... like making smoke bombs! or stink bombs!

I'm so excited to see my psych exam results! More specifically the letter sir had us write to him... and his reactions! Woohoo!

April 2 ang exams ng chem... weeeeehhhhh -_- oh no. No beach time talaga -_- BOO! >:(

In The Middle

2005-03-13T12:06:00.000+08:00

By Jimmy Eat World

Hey
Don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just try your best
Try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away

Hey you know they're all the same
You know you're doing better on your own so don't buy in
Live right now
Just be yourself
It doesn't matter if that's good enough for someone else

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything everything will be just fine
Everything everything will be all right

Do your best
Do everything you can
Don't you worry what their bitter hearts are going to say

Sometimes I just need an uplifting song like this to snap me out of my ugly ugly moods. (other option is Eheads With a Smile =D)

Finally!

2005-03-12T12:45:00.000+08:00

I finally have a picture of me with my car... in the sun. Hehe.

whowhowhooo (bohemian like you)

2005-03-09T18:03:00.000+08:00

Don't pay attention to the title... it's just my LSS :P

On my way home this afternoon I had some time to muse about random things... and I thought... gosh, how ill-spent a day is without some sort of intellectual pondering, isn't it? Oh well.

Summer na kaya it's time to shop for summer wear. Tahdah! Woohoo! Kung may bikini body lang ako e... actually hindi. Hehehe... di ko talaga kaya mag bikini. Wehe. Tankini fav style ko talaga.

Shopping List
Air freshener
Car mats
... basta car accessories... hehehe

Sarong
Beach towel
Flipflops
Blank CDs
etc.

My Baby Has Arrived!

2005-03-08T21:04:00.000+08:00

My car is finally here! OH MY GAAAAAHHH!!!!!! It's sooo me! It's MY car! My property (yes, legally)! and it SUITS me!!!!

8 na ako nakauwi kaya wala pa akong pic with the car (si dad pa lang) pero AKO ang unang nagdrive sa kanya pagdating dito! My little red pickup! It's so small and narrow but soo roomy inside! I'm sooooo hyper right now........... AAAHHH!!! (bouncing off the walls)

I'm not vain... only moderately so. Hehehe ^_^

2005-03-06T16:03:00.000+08:00

Napansin ko lang ang dami kong pics ng sarili ko sa blog na 'to. Hehehehe! Well, here's a very simple equation: boredom+camera= ...? Hehehe. Ganun lang 'yon ^_^

Today... tututukan ko na psych book ko. Tapos na ako sa FA and chem reqs... kaya free na ako magaral ng psych! yey!

Legend Junkie

2005-03-05T21:31:00.000+08:00

I've been listening to old old old songs lately... rock songs from my father's era. No dangit... NOT ELVIS! For goodness' sake (don't think he was ever into that... he was a true blue hippie :P Hippie music, maaaannn)! I mean the Rolling Stones and David Bowie! Well, I've been into David Bowie for quite a while now. (I definitely encourage people to buy his Best of Album. hehehe. I have the German release. Helden instead of Heroes :P) That's no secret :P but something caught my attention lately, Rolling Stones' Sympathy for the Devil. Oh sooo cool! It kinda struck me that... yeah, they started around the same time (late 60s) they're both legends in the world of music... Maybe I'll eventually venture into Joplin and The Grateful Dead, my dad's favs. Who knows... :P

Here's a couple of recommendations:

Rolling Stones --->
Sympathy for the Devil
Let's Spend the Night Together

Bowie--->
The Man Who Sold the World (was also covered by Nirvana :D)
Ashes to Ashes
(I'll stop at two para pantay sa Rolling Stones... hehehe... I can go on and on e :P)

Here's a crossover... (pretty sure that's Jagger's voice :P)
Dancing in the Street

You and me, all we want to be is LAAAZY

2005-03-05T13:42:00.000+08:00

Hmm...

Chem Postlab-prelab sa monday
2 plates sa tues (I still don't know our prof's name... -_-)
Long exam sa Psych sa tues

Ok yun pa lang naman agenda ko...... not too bad naman. I just have to get reading. I have tomorrow to read, today to do the plates and pre/post labs. and I'll catch a movie pa this afternoon. Been resting all day nga e. Figured that I needed it. :P

Sana makuha ko na yung 8 hours expt. -_- kulang na kulang ako e.

2005-03-02T17:04:00.000+08:00

ho humm....

Psych101 is soooo useful!

2005-03-02T16:58:00.000+08:00

Sir Eric is da best!

Hehehehe...

ang practical ng tinuturo n'ya sa amin e. The most useful (so far) of which is...

1) how to make yourself seem more attractive to a person than you really are.
2) some body language of people in-love around the object(s) of their affection.

HEHEHEHEHE! Just had to mention it. Naaliw ako masyado e.

I'm a proud Eric Manalastas groupie, kasama nina Marize... hehehe. JK! :P

Alas!

2005-03-02T15:58:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to Led Zepplin's Stairway to Heaven... again. hehe. Ang ganda ganda ng lyrics nito e... post ko nga.

Stairway To Heaven
Led Zepplin

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying the stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying the stairway to heaven.

There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
'Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird who sings,
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who stand looking.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.

And it's whispered that soon if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter.

If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the May queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder.

Your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know,
The piper's calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

And she's buying the stairway to heaven.

So anyway... today... sobrang tinatamad ako... I have to make a religious poem. I made one long ago, nawala na yun e. Longest poem I ever made, too... I think... Lemme see... I think I can remember a few phrases...

Of all the things that I have feared
Of love and war and ghouls the same
Is one so strong and on so reared
The one so much of sole declaim

Cherubs and seraphs hath praise his rep
and assured we mortals do as well
but the lawless would refure to step
Into the light where spirits dwell...

yun lang naalala ko... grade 7 pa ako n'on e. grr... not even sure if that really is the second stanza... basta mahaba talaga s'ya... :P

So ang agenda ko para sa araw na ito ay: make poem, study geog, study chem... yun lang ata.

As for today's update...

I came from Forbes today. I've missed Father Tony!!! and of course uncle George, uncle Ted, Tita Elena and the rest of the fellowship. It just kinda bugs me that they keep on making such a big fuss over me whenever I come by. I guess uncle George is really the typical doting uncle. hehehehe.

I was craving chocolates this morning... now I can't seem to get away from them. May RR chocochip cookies sa table... binigyan ako ni tita Les ng Snickers... restraint!!!! I must show restraint!

Pano na ang friday carpool namin? waah! kailangan ko umuwi ng medyo late -_- para lang sa AS shooting at painting (Sana) =_= oh nooo =_=

uhmm... tinatamad na ako magtype. Next time na ulit!

Kareeeeenn!

2005-02-27T19:12:00.000+08:00

It was karen't debut last friday! Awww... she cried! Parang lahat tuloy ng paghihirap para sa preparations naging worth it talaga. I'm sure hirap mag organize sina tita, ate maan, karen... at siyempre yung participation namin! Pero it was all worth it kasi happy naman si Karen nun e :D

Oh no... nagkaproblem sa barkada... di ko na imemention pero sana malinawan.

Na sa laptop ko pa yung pics... next time ko na iupload :P

2005-02-15T23:54:00.000+08:00

lying around

2005-02-15T21:47:00.000+08:00

another experiment

2005-02-15T19:58:00.000+08:00

catharsis

2005-02-15T19:36:00.000+08:00

coping with the truth

Tsk...

2005-02-14T18:48:00.000+08:00

Answer these questions about me... then post the questions on your blog. (Rika talaga... -_- tsk tsk)

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Did you ever have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me for free? How about for $50 dollars?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression of me?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?
16. What makes you want to fill this thing out?
17. What's your most vivid memory of me?
18. What's your favorite movie? Would you recommend it to me?

Euphoria of Illusions Against the Harsh Beauty of Truth

2005-02-13T20:18:00.000+08:00

I choose truth over illusions.

As much as I had wanted to dissect my current musings I'd always been afraid to go through with it(and for very good reasons). And today I'm pretty sure I was able to clear away all forms of illusions from my psyche... in a harsh, forced, and somewhat sadistic way (kinda like being raped, I guess... but for your own good). But the beauty in truth is that you allow yourself to move on and move forward. Things aren't meant to go the way I wanted them to right now and that's fine... I can wait, I have the rest of my life to fulfill all of my fantasies with all of the right people. I believe God will get me through in life and I shouldn't worry about the past, present, or future... I can only do what I can do and trust the rest of my existence to Him. =D

Really? A Week?

2005-02-13T19:31:00.000+08:00

(d+2)

Please... somebody get me out of here... this is the third day now.
I'm so sorry I couldn't be the way you dreamed I would be... I'm so sorry you think I'm not good enough for you... I'm so sorry I'm me. I hate you so much!!! You gave me this pain... I hate you.

Laguna, take two.

2005-02-13T18:37:00.000+08:00

AGH! Wow... workout yung Laguna tour... buong Makiling ata ang nilakad namin e... taas baba taas baba slide jump taas baba... may mga parts pa ng trail na edge talaga, so kung mahulog ka... sorry na lang.

Ang kulit nila Hapi (Francesse para madali... di ko alam spelling ng Happy n'ya e :P) at Miguel. Masaya naman kahit na sobrang nakakapagod :P

What Kind of Geek are You?
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
Your IQ is	frighteningly high
You are a	gamer geek
Your strength is	you actually have social skills
Your weakness is	alcohol
You think normal people are	aliens
Normal people think that you are	weird

This cool quiz by owlsamantha - Taken 222043 Times.

IS SOME ONE IN LOVE WITH YOU
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
Is some one in love with you right now	lust not love
are you in love right now	yes, and been in love for a loonnnggg time...

This cool quiz by therat429 - Taken 95342 Times.